Don't Be Like Me
by Harlequin de Rustre
Summary: DO NOT READ! UNDERGOING RECONSTRUCTION/REPLACEMENT!


7 Weeks Later…

Negi takes in a deep breath of fresh air.

Well, _somewhat_ fresh air.

It is as fresh as a hot, humid, noisome atmosphere with several heavy doses of train exhaust can be…

Ah, Japan.

Center of much Eastern ideals and equal quantity of sinful debauchery…

The boy glances at his ticket.

"Track 1" is posted in computerized print. Negi shambles toward the indicated side and seats himself in a conveniently nearby seat. He sighs contentedly.

Seeing as there still is ample time until the train's arrival, he takes stock of the mostly physical changes he'd had over summer…

For one, he'd grown a whole FOOT by August's fourth week. Strangely, the lengthening had not hurt in the least. Hmm…

Another strange growth during the summer was that of his muscles. In a matter of weeks, they had become better defined than most of those several years Negi's senior. This particular quirk was soon followed by an increase in endurance and stamina, quickly leading to his urge to exert himself on a daily basis. The results of which are his being in tip-top shape, even without his magical reinforcement, along with a surprisingly practical outlook.

Next on the list is not a trait of growth, but rather one of **color**.

His hair, people.

It had started to lightly bleach in late June, though Negi just took this to be his hair streaking from extended exposure to the sun.

However, he started to panic when he woke up one morning a few weeks later to discover his hair had turned PINK!

At first, he had thought that Anya had finally fulfilled the promise from long ago to dye his hair a nice, girly bubblegum pink.

Much to Negi's amazement, it had turned out that the shade was completely real!

Thankfully, the hair never indefinitely stayed pink, and it kept paling further and further, until his hair was snow white. Advisably enough, though, despite the infernal feminine color being gone, Negi kept dying his hair red as he had from day one of the "pinking" so that he would not alarm his colleagues and superiors.

And speaking of _hair_…

The previously prepubescent boy sprouted a full patch of pubic hairs in a matter of days. It was as pale as the hair on his head, embarrassingly enough.

To hide the secret of his rather strange bush, he shaves it all off (testicles too, dear. Man those were painful)…

… only to have it all grow back in the morning! He tries again to have the rebellious follicles shorn off, to the same avail. So he starts dying his pubic region, too.

To add to the list of strange growths, Negi *ahem* got *cough* BIGGER…

And so, to accommodate the changes, Negi purchased a whole new wardrobe, complete with hardy weather cloaks, several sets of multi-purpose boots, and about 16 new tailored Hugo Boss suits.

To cover his various other adolescent problems, he has stocked his medicine cabinet with various facial cleansers, shower gels, anti-louse shampoo, and a decent set of subtle all-natural deodorants.

Another noticeable change in Mr. Springfield's mindset is his position on personal hygiene. Negi has taken to strictly keeping to regimented ablutions, including bathing, in recent weeks.

The cause for this particular is owed to the constant hard exercise leaving the lad drenched with sweat afterwards. This doesn't seem that bad, but at night, the boy's soaked hide makes it hard to sleep due to the bedding sticking to every inch of exposed skin.

Nowadays, you can never catch Negi on a day when he hasn't bathed at least once.

A harsh metal screech snaps the young mage out of his reverie. Negi eyes his pocket watch and places it back in his inner coat pocket. He stands up, straightens his clothes, and heads over to the boarding area as the train grinds to a halt.

As Negi boards, he notices a large number of teenage girls.

Fantastic luck for one with raging hormones. NOT.

He quickly latches onto a nearby handle and hangs on for dear life as the teeming waves of middle/high school girls pour in.

Bodies press around him as the car is packed to the brink. As the last few girls dash in, the doors slide shut and the train jerks forward as it begins to accelerate.

Reaching down, Negi fumbles for a set of collapsible headphones, puts them on, and then presses Play on the compact CD player. The sound of Sean Grissom's cello fills his head as the train hurdles through the thick dawn air. This should ward off the impulse to make conversation (due to the effect of relentless hormones nearly impairing the boy's gentlemanly ways).

Unfortunately, about twenty minutes in, the player goes dead due to low batteries.

Negi sighs and reaches back with his free hand to retrieve the book in the back pocket of his coat.

The train car bucks wildly, sending Negi Springfield flying backwards. The descent is fortunately ultimately halted due to a rather soft and somewhat squishy obstacle, though his hand made contact foremost and most violently. As the boy turns to see what softened his fall, he finds his accidental pillow to be (obviously) a girl.

The only problem was she looked rather mad.

"Mind telling me why you groped me just then," she snarls.

Negi takes a step back "It was just a simple accident."

"Ya got that right! I have half a mind to break your thick skull open," the antagonist menacingly shakes her fist.

"This is my first time on a train. I'm sorry for bumping into you," Negi bows frantically.

"I'll say." The [larger] girl plucks Negi up by the nape of his neck and holds him to eye level as her fist hauls back to punch. "Any last words?"

Negi gulps loudly, "Yes, ah… Why are your fingers wet? The stuff is dripping down my back." He grins sheepishly and shrugs.

His female assailant blushes violently, "Why yo-"

The train rocks violently again, sending young Springfield's mouth smashing into the enraged girl's own in a strange lip lock.

The two crash to the floor and sit very still in shock until an onlooker pipes up.

"Oh, boy; you're dead now. Tomoko isn't gonna take that lying down, not with a nickname like 'Man-Eater'"

Negi blushes as he sits up, "She isn't gonna do anything until she comes to; the girl's kinda out cold…"

The prostrate girl's eyes flutter open and rest upon the visage of Negi.

Ill-advisedly, he smiles and inquires jokingly, "Was it good for you?"

Tomoko splutters, "I'll… I'll-"

"Forgive me?..." Negi supplies.

"No, I'll-"

"Get off the floor?"

"No, I'll-"

"-make a coherent sentence?"

"No, I'll KILL YOU!!"

"How about a little after two," Negi prods.

"RAAAGH!!!" She screams maniacally and leaps at him. "I guess not."

The train screeches to a halt, sending Negi and the girl crashing into each other for the third time.

Negi comes to with the odd sensation of something squishy on his face. A lot of squishy something.

He pushes the something off and opens his eyes.

He gets a good view of a button-up shirt with a large amount of breast in it. In typical polite Englishman fashion, he blushes violently. Then he feels a strange wetness on his pants. He looks down and espies a [short-] skirted crotch resting on his right leg.

"So that's why…" Negi wriggles backwards, only to be stopped by a strong hand. He gazes up to see a blushing Tomoko staring blankly into his own.

"…Pink," She utters.

Negi looks quizzically at her, "What? What's pink?"

"Your eyes… pink," she observes blankly.

'Ah, um, Earth to Man-Eater. Observe situation."

"Wha…?" she asks intelligently.

"Look south," Negi implores.

The girl looks down and gasps as her eyes rest upon Negi's stiffly tented pant region.

Negi grunts, "As you can see, it's painful, and I'd appreciate it if you would kindly _not_ add to it."

He pushes aside the girl's hand and pulls away entirely. The boy stands up and buttons his coat (thereby concealing his tightened "area") and offers his hand. Tomoko takes it, then pulls him to the floor and grabs his throat.

"First, I'm gonna break your arms, then your legs, and then I'll slice off your cock-"

"Woah, woah. Who mentioned my penis? By 'situation', I meant the humongous stain your wet panties left on my pant leg."

Once again, the bitch gives rise to intelligent verbal battery.

"I'll- I'll kill you!!"

With that, the large girl lunges at Negi as the car doors open. Negi dodges the assault, rushes out the door, leaving her with: " 'Ta' for now, babe. Hope we do meet again!"

He races off as he hears "I'll kill you, you BAAAAASTARD!!!"

To keep "Man-Eater" from tracking him down, Negi casts a quick disguise spell to make him look smaller and more innocent (his development made the young mage look like a teenage boy instead of the affable ten year-old he really was. Come to think of it, he had the emotional and mental development of one, too. Talk about a paradox)

As the lad sprints across the school grounds, hears the obnoxious blaring of some trivial ruling by the Student Council, something about yellow cards and Punctuality Week.

He smirks. "Talk about wanting to control everything. What's next, 'No Kissing' signs? Geez."

As he nears the first set of steps of Mahora Academy, Negi hears next to him: "Takahata-sensei! Takahata-sensei! Takahata-sensei! Takahata-sensei! Takahata-sensei! ARF!"

Passerby backpedal away from the area as Negi looks to his right to see the most unique teenage girl he had ever laid eyes on.

She had flaming red hair, set in two tight pony tails and fastened with stringed bells, different-colored eyes, coupled with an expression of nervous energy and bluntness to be feared and admired. That said, she was one odd character.

"Ahem," Negi interjects, "I'd just like you to know that you'll be heartbroken."

The girl stops and stares at him. "Heartbroken?"

Then she flies into a rage, her face a mask of extreme hatred. "HOW'D YOU LIKE TO BE BROKEN?!"

Negi tries to recompense his ill-chosen words. "I'm sorry, it's just that I'm kind of psychic and I can see your future-"

"_Your_ future's looking pretty short! Like YOU!"

The unfortunate lad gets the clear impression that this girl is a psychopathic wacko, but bites back his tongue and presses on, trying to assuage hurt feelings. "I'm just trying to warn you that-"

"Was that a threat?!"

The girl next to the raging bitch steps in and tries to prevent her from maiming Negi…

"Come on Asuna. Let it go. He's a kid for crying out loud"

…although this doesn't seem to work.

"Crying out loud! There's an idea!"

The girl named Asuna proceeds to lift Negi into the air by just a hand gripping his skull.

"Take back what you said, twerp!" Roars Asuna.

"How did that anger management class work out, Asuna?" the other girl implores.

The red-haired bitch begins lifting Negi higher as she makes her statements: "Okay, kid, you got off at the wrong stop. This is Mahora district. It's all girls, okay?"

"The elementary school is a stop back," the other girl supplies.

Asuna pulls Negi close until their faces are just inches apart, "Right now, apologize. If you do, I'll put you on the train instead of _under_ it."

Negi glares back at Asuna with a deadpan expression on his face.

"Are you quite done? Would you mind if I ask a simple question?"

"Shoot, bite-size"

"Is there a community made up of sociopathic girls bent on antagonizing humanity, or are you and that other girl from the train just acting on your own bitchy agendas?"

The companion groans at the boy's staunch progression to a beat-down.

"That's it you little-"

A voice calls from above, "Well, well, Asuna."

The assorted individuals look to the source. Eyes rest on a disheveled thirty-something man grinning warmly. "Making friends as always I s- Negi? Is that you?"

"Negi? Who's-"

The indicated boy is somewhat astonished at who he saw. How could _he_ be here? "Small world!"

Asuna blushes rapidly and greets the man quickly. "Takahata-sensei! I… Uh, he"

The other girl greets Takahata cheerily. "Morning, Tak-"

…And Negi puts his two cents as Asuna unhanded (i.e.: drops) him. "Takamichi, you nut! How's it goin'?"

Asuna does several double-takes, aghast, and blurts out: " 'You nut' ? Where-? How-? Who-"

Takamichi smiles warmly, "I see the welcoming committee found you. Glad to have you on board. 'Negi-sensei'. Who'd have thought?"

It (the fact that the kid Asuna was accosting is a teacher and his name is Negi) dawns upon the brunette girl first. "Did… Did he… just call you…?"

Negi brightens. "Negi-sensei? Why… yes."

He clears his throat and introduces himself, overflowing with courtesy and charm. "My name is Negi Springfield… I'm your new English professor,"

Unfortunately, the "courtesy and charm" part is lost on the "Red-Head Bitch". "I'll- -KILL HIM."

She grips Negi's coat and goes right back to haranguing him. "What kind of stupid joke is this?! You're just a brat!"

Takahata interjects quickly, now somehow gotten to ground level from the third floor. "Calm down, Asuna. He's brighter than he appears."

"He'd have to be, wouldn't he?!" Asuna appears to be on the brink of either crying or killing someone.

"You'll find out yourself, seeing as he's taking over my class."

At this, Asuna turns a deeper shade of red than before, then bursts into a fresh tirade. "You're not serious, Takahata-sensei! If… if he replaced you, it would..."

"-break your heart?" Negi supplies quickly.

"Yes! Break my- HEY!" Asuna goes right back to shaking him violently. "Shut up you! Who asked you?!!! Of all the unfair, unreasonable… you nit! You nothing! You-"

Negi couldn't think of anything. He didn't know of any [compromising] way out. So he does the only thing he could; the young mage sneezed.

But that wasn't just any sneeze. It was the sneeze of sneezes! It raged like a hurricane wind! Whirled like an ocean in a storm! It knocked his assailant's socks off! In fact, it knocked more than just her socks off! It blew away her shoes, her scarf, her vest, her shirt, her skirt— the only articles still left on were her lingerie!

…Leading to an uncomfortable situation…

Takahata and Negi look away, while Asuna's friend stares at the wool bear panties now exposed. Asuna desperately tries to block the view of her developing cleavage as she slumps down.

"HAS THIS SCHOOL GONE MENTAL?!"

35 minutes and a change of clothes later, in the headmaster's office…

"Headmaster, please…" Asuna begins anew, desperately trying to find sense in a senseless situation on her part, "Please tell me this is a mistake. Or a joke."

The aged headmaster replies rather exasperatedly "If you wish, but that would be lying."

Headmaster Konoe shifts to address Negi "So, 'professor'…" Negi shifts nervously, still keeping eye contact. "… Your teaching post… should be quite a challenge in your training, eh?"

Negi bows respectfully and cordially answers "Yes, sir. I'll do my best, sir."

"Do better than that."

"Yes, sir"

"You'll student-teach until March… By the way…" The old man quirks the corners of his mouth in a wistful smile "My granddaughter is available… if you ever require a girlfriend."

"Thanks loads, grandpa," says Asuna's friend, who takes the liberty of producing a small hammer and cracking her relative's balding pate soundly.

Not taking it any longer, Asuna lets everyone in the room know exactly what's on her mind "Hold on there!"

She pounds the desk with both her hands. "Helloooooo! This is me, still not buying a kid for a teacher! IT'S… IT'S TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE!!!"

The headmaster raises a hand to silence the trading red-head. "It is not for you to accept, Asuna… but for me to. And I do…"

Asuna herself looks just about ready to explode, but then the headmaster adds wisely "…For now. But Negi, if you fail your training… there will be no second chances, clear?"

"Crystal, sir. If I fail…" Negi boldly replies, "…except… I won't. That's all. I won't fail."

The old man grinning wickedly. "Ha! Just what I wished to hear. We'll start you off today. Your advisor will be Shizuna-sensei. Shizuna-kun! Are you there?"

A woman's voice answers from the door to the left of the assorted company "Yes sir."

Negi's "sixth sense" warns him as he turns around to face the newcomer to step back a good half foot.

This was a decidedly canny move, for from the door entered a somewhat tall and curvy blond woman, beaming cheerily.

However, Negi didn't miss the quick look of disappointment from her when he had quickly retreated to avoid contact with the woman's breasts (A noted fact on Negi's part was that his disguise's height so conveniently differed from Shizuna's own that if his head would fit very snugly in between the lady's breasts). Talk about randy.

However, Shizuna does not appear sad for long. She greets him warmly. "Hello. You must be the famed Negi."

"Shizuna has been kept abreast of the situation." The headmaster hastily interjects. Negi raises an eyebrow in the headmaster's direction. "I bet."

Shizuna places a hand on Negi's head, slowly drawing him in. "So… any questions?"

"Not any that are necessary." Negi deftly slips from under the woman's hand and turns back to receive further orders from the headmaster.

"Oh, yes, and one more thing.

Konoka, Asuna-chan: We're short on space, so Negi-kun will bunk with you for now."

"Ugh" is the instant reply from Asuna. Then she launches off into a tirade.

"We're supposed to learn from him and wet nurse him?! This is-"

"Konoka" puts her two cents in: "Aw, he'd be like a kid brother"

"HOW'S THAT A GOOD THING?!" Asuna retorts.

"It's settled," the headmaster states firmly.

Negi starts towards the door and turns back to excuse himself. "If you don't mind, I need to stop to take care of some things. Don't worry, I remember where the class is and yes, Shizuna, I have the class register I received in the mail last Friday. Good day to all of you."

And with that, Negi exits the room and makes for the nearest bathroom.

He stumbles into the empty facility and makes his way over to the furthest mirror where he slumps on one side of the sink and vomits a tarry black substance into it.

"God DAMN it! Why the hell does this keep happening? Why, why, why, WHY?!"

Negi drops his disguise and stares wretchedly at the now much older visage held there.

Deep in the blackness of his pupils, a green flame dances. His eyes themselves are red. Not the whites. The actual IRISES.

Then they change.

Yet again.

The malevolent crimson shifts to display in its stead a melancholy purple.

Every so-often, he will take upon the form of this skeletal youth in his late teens. And, for some convenient reason, his clothes re-form to match the gothic changes.

The exhausted boy puts his back on the wall and slides down. He puts his head between his knees as he pulls his legs close and cries. Long and hard. That is, until he hears voices. Female voices.

Negi quickly straightens up and listens to determine where they girls in the hall were going. After all, he had forgotten to check the sign on the way in…

The girls are getting closer. Damn.

Negi leaps for the stall furthest from the door and locks himself in.

This was just in time, as four high school girls come strolling in, chattering away. One of them is the girl from before

"Tomoko, why'd ya go soft on the dope? He looked cute, yeah, but he also embarrassed you on the train something fierce."

"Yeah Man-Eater. Why did ya?" adds a second.

"Maybe 'cause she _likes_ him!" pipes up the first again.

"Shut up, teme. The reason why I didn't pulp the guy even I don't even really know. I just…"

"-Got touched for the very first time?" interjects the second.

Tomoko blushes violently. "No, you ditz. As I said, I can't really remember the reason why. Now drop it or there'll be fat lips all around."

"Pff. Fine. Anyone got something else to talk about?"

The first starts in with another topic "How talk about Eiko's alleged owning a vibrator?"

Tomoko glares at the offender "Damn it, Ayame, you know the combination of my little sister and sex is a sore spot with me."

"But it's fun!" complains the first.

"So's punching you guys, but I don't do it all the time."

The second giggles "Yeah, you usually stick to _spanking_."

"Because you guys sometimes act like you're still in elementary school, moron!" Tomoko barks.

"Alright, alright. Don't get your thong in a twist."

"I don't wear thongs, genius."

"Not from what I heard."

"Then they're wrong. I've worn regular white panties since first grade, and on the rare occasion wearing biker shorts."

"Oh, and speaking of underwear, I hear yours got a nice wetting on the train this morning. You know, from MASTURBATION?"

The accused turns a bright maroon once again "That- that's just rumors. You know… to spice up topics when middle-schoolers are bored. Heh, heh…"

"Suuuuurrrrre it is." The second girl grins mischievously.

The then-silent girl speaks up, enunciating words coolly and with utter sarcasm "Does anyone in Saint Ursula's still care about stuff other than sex, clothes, and boys? Just wondering, seeing as I'm the class prude"

"See? You guys, why can't you try to be more like Mieko here? Ya know: not being total perves?"

The first one puffs herself up dramatically and speaks in an irritating voice of bravado "Everyone, everyone! Please do harken 'ere! Mieko Miyazaki, the voice of reason, would like to tell you how to live! Don't worry, she's a saint! A paragon! The representative of Kami himself!"

"Stuff it, Sakura. Like you're one to talk. How many times have you thrown in your two cents?"

"I-"

"More than enough, I take it. As I said: STUFF IT, BITCH."

Tomoko looks clearly surprised. "Wow, Mieko. You're as good with your words as I am with my foot."

"That's a lot, coming from you. Thank you."

Ayame leers perversely "Speaking of 'a lot' Mieko…"

Miyazaki-chan blushes instantly "NO."

"But… why?"

"Because I said so."

"But it's so FUN."

"My breasts are not under inquiry at this time. Call again at four."

"No, I wasn't gonna talk about that…" the pervy girl mumbles.

Mieko sighs contentedly "Good."

"I was talking about how much your ass grew," Ayame put in.

Tomoko and Sakura instantly burst out laughing.

"THAT'S NOT FUNNY!" Mieko shrieks.

Tomoko tries to answer, but the stitches from the fits of hysteria are too much. A few minutes of hilarity later, Tomoko takes in enough air to just eke out some form of an apology. "I- heh-heh I'm really- hahaha SORRY- heh that I'm laughing along with these idiots- haha-ha-haaaa but it's just- just too damn FUNNY! BWAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!"

Sakura tries a little harder to get recompense. "What Tomoko is trying to say is- heh-heh that your buxom butt's a funny topic due to- haha-haaaaa the fact that- hoo-hee-hee every time you even slightly bend to get something- bwa-haaaa every person in the room gets NOSEBLEEDS!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!"

Tomoko adds her two cents to the conversation "And it's not just the GUYS! HAHAHAAAAHAAAAAAAH!!"

Mieko gives the three morons the evil eye and they eventually stop.

"Hahah. Hwoo… So, is there something more fun to talk about guys?"

"There's some new teacher at the Mahora campus. I hear he's REALLY cute!"

Ayame looks surprised. "Wow. I heard that too! By the way, what kind of cute?"

"From how I heard it, it is the kawaii kind of cute!"

"Oh, shit, then I NEED to see this! So what classroom is he in?"

"Room 2-A, I hear"

"Ah, fuck. The freakshow class. A more vibrant array of misfits, geeks, and perverts you won't find anywhere…"

"Still, the boy's supposed to be really cute!"

Tomoko snaps out of her fantastical reverie "Boy?"

"Yeah, a boy. He's definitely younger than eighteen, but older than eight, definitely."

"Prodigy, I take it?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"Uhm, guys," Tomoko implores nervously.

The girls turn to look at her.

"Yeah?"

Tomoko gulps loudly. "You know how I had a clash of sorts with some boy on the train?"

"Yeah?"

"Put two and two together."

It dawns upon Sakura first. "Ho day-yum, girl. I sure hope for your sake he doesn't try to get you kicked out."

"I sure hope so…"

The girls all have their backs to Negi's stall! Now if he can just open the door silently, then sneak over to the exit, and make it unnoticed to the 2-A homeroom before eight-fifty…

The young mage reaches for the deadbolt, slides it open, then takes the handle to open the door carefully. The metal hinges squeak subtly as the door swings open. Now to sneak stealthily to the door…

Negi easily slips out of the stall and part of the way to the exit.

"This is bad, Tomoko. You've gotta find some way to keep him from telling."

"I'm thinking the best approach would be entrapment."

"Entra- what?"

"Entrapment. You know. Blackmail. Red letters. That sort of thing."

"Oh. So do we- oh, shit."

An eyeliner pencil goes flying from Sakura's fingers, to land in the shadows so very far away. Unfortunately, it was the patch of darkness that Negi was occupying. He backpedals into the nearest stall as the accursed make-up utensil skidded his way.

"Well that's what you get for dicking around with your stuff. Now you have to go pluck it off the grimy floor that the janitor never cleans."

"Shut up. C'mere you treacherous eyeliner."

With the girl closing in on his location, Negi tries to find some way to get out of this mess. Then get gets an idea.

He'll roll it to her! Maybe THEN she won't find him!

Negi reaches for the pencil, but as he does so, the door opens. Busted.

"What th-"

The cornered boy does the next stupid thing: He talks. "This stall is occupied. Come again later."

Sakura recoils and screeches "There's some old guy in the bathroom!"

"I take offense at that statement. I'm twenty… something."

"Sakura, get away from there! I'm coming with the mace!"

"I'm comin' with my foot!"

"And I'm leaving. The toilets suck anyways." Negi declares.

Ayame and Tomoko fill the narrow doorway.

"Okay, pervert. Time to pay your dues." Tomoko menacingly brandishes her fist.

"How 'bout next week? I'm kind of booked solid." Negi boldly retorts.

"Wait a minute. You're the dude from the train. Only your hair's white and your pants are tight. Man, that's bulgy"

The young mage hops off the toilet seat and stands to his full height "Well then........... Bye!"

And he's off like a shot, leaping over stalls like track hurdles and diving towards the door at 45 MPH.

As impressive as this display of athletic prowess is, Negi is ultimately halted in his escape due to Mieko's blocking the doorway at the last second. However, due to the laws of momentum and inertia, with the differing states of velocity and Negi's currently superior inertia, the two go sprawling into the hallway.

As the ride skids to a stop, Negi once again pulls himself from the warm embrace of "squishy somethings" to gaze upon the dazed face of Mieko Miyazaki.

Worried, Negi tries to get his unintentional victim's attention "Uhm, Miyazaki-san? You're still alive, if that's what you're wondering."

As Mieko comes to, her eyes focus on Negi's own. "Blue."

"Hmm?"

"Your eyes are a deep cerulean blue. Very enticing."

"That's nice, love, but the concern here is you. Anything broken?"

"Nothing important. Just my concepts on… boys."

Negi helps the dizzy girl to her feet "Ah, well, shucks. I hope you aren't planning on mentioning this to folks. My career is kinda shaky due to certain… rules. See ya when you're not shell-shocked, babe" And with that, the lad sprints off as others rush to the scene.

Five minutes later in some dark stairway…

"Change. Change. C'mon, Change!"

It seems Negi is currently trying to revert to his normal form, and not peeping into some girls' locker room. Hopefully.

"I need to start teaching my class in twelve minutes! Change dammit! Ten year-old Negi Springfield isn't going to lose his job due to puberty issues!"

And for some reason, he did change.

"THANK YOU, WHATEVER THING/DEITY/THIGGAMAJIGGY THAT HELPED ME!!"

Negi started up the stairs, smiling to himself and brandishing his staff (which he HAD been carrying all this time). Then he looked at his reflection in the window glass.

"What th- It's still white! Cripes, what am I gonna do?! My luggage is in the apartment complex three city blocks away! And it's now TEN minutes to class!"

An attribute to note: Negi, for whatever reason, can't magick his hair color, so he chalked it up to his ineptitude in the area of disguise and manipulation. And with the desperate situation at hand, he panics.

"Oh-cripes-oh-crapes-oh-crackers-oh-crapes-oh-crud-oh-cr—Wait!"

Negi sticks a hand into his coat and retrieves a slightly rumpled hairpiece. The boy gives a sigh of relief.

"Good. At least my preemptive way of thinking helps me. Now where are the…" Negi feels around his coat again, but pulls out his empty hand, evidently not finding what he was looking for. "…hairpins. Bother… Well at least I have the wig and that's what I need right now."

The young mage quickly braids up his white tresses and sets the fake follicles neatly and completely over the real ones underneath. "…Now to get to class…" And with that, the now-red-head hurriedly bolts to reach room 2-A before the ringing of the late bell.

Three minutes and forty-seven burnt Calories later…

Negi slows down his pace as he nears the classroom in order to put his clothes (and hair) in order before making his entrance. The sight that greets him is something short of a court of lifestyle representatives.

There are thirty-one girls of which the young mage can see, each of which fit into a stereotypical slot. This is the complete list:

Spook

Chef

Spoiled Bitch

Wallflower

Librarian Girl

Refined "Lady"

Cynic

Geek

Sidekick

Prankster

"Little Mother"

Easy-Going

Top of the Class

Mysterious Girl

Spastic Groupie

Airhead

Dyke

Artist

Relative of School Authority

Combat Nut

"Just Friends" Girl

Accomplice

"Normal" Girl

Red-Headed Bitch

Pervert

Cool Girl

Shy Girl

Intellectual

School Press

Jock

"Never There"

All this categorizing is done in the 0.23 seconds Negi spent peeking through one of the windows allowing sight into the room.

Knowing what he is going to meet, Negi turns and leans back on the wall for a moment. Then he straightens up, takes a breath, and then slides the door open with gentle grace. As he is about to move through the entrance, the young mage's "sixth sense" prickles, causing him to pause and take a slow step back. As he does so, a benign eraser falls to the floor. A prank. Some welcome for a new teacher.

Negi goes to pick up the eraser, but stops when a badly-concealed tripwire enters his view. His eyes follow the path of the rope to a plywood ledge with a bucket on top. From there, the ledge is rigged to fall on a lever, which in turn leads to a number of simple contraptions that are primed to pull the triggers of three toy crossbows calibrated to effectively "nail" the unknowing target. Some welcome, indeed.

The boy teacher stands up, braces himself, and walks in.

As his foot hits the tripwire, down comes the bucket (which is thankfully empty) which Negi casually catches with a hooked finger. Immediately after, the projectiles are loosed, which the saboteur (Negi) deftly catches in the retrieved bucket. From there, Negi turns his head and grins brazenly. Then he trips. Over his own feet. Does a somersault. And soundly bashes the back of his head on the side of the teacher's desk. The schoolgirls commence to laugh their asses off.

"Ow."

He sits there, dazed. Remembering his audience, he quickly readjusts his wig before anyone can catch a glimpse of the pale pate underneath. Negi looks up and grins cheekily, rubbing the back of his now sore head. The students now silently stare at him.

"Heh. Not much of a warm welcome, I see. Ah, well."

Negi grunts as he picks himself up, then turns to face the class. There is a brief duration of dead silence. Then the girls go ballistic and swarm him

"It's a kid!"

"Nah, must be a midget."

"You okay, kid?"

"We thought you were our new teacher."

"I AM your teacher. I've got the paperwork to prove it. Please return to your seats so I may introduce myself properly…"

The rowdy girls shuffle back to their seats with a curious orderliness.

The child teacher clears his throat, and then speaks in a confident tone.

"My name is Negi Springfield, I am your English instructor for the third semester, and I, uh… look forward to teaching you all that I can."

There is once again a period of stark silence… and then all hell breaks loose.

"Isn't he adorable!"

"AIEEEEEE!" several girls chorus.

The press girl immediately shoves a microphone in his face. "How old are you?"

"Uh, ten."

"Do you have a girlfriend?"

Negi ignores the brassy question. Taking a hint, the press girl moves on down the list of queries.

"Where are you from?"

"Er, Wales."

"Your mother's a whale?" another girl asks.

A vein throbs in the child teacher's temple. "No, my sister is- What do you think?!"

"Are you really our teacher?" an exuberant groupie inquires.

"Yes. And it will be 'yes' the next time you ask, too."

Another girl shoves through the dense crowd of rubberneckers. "You must be really intelligent!"

"Say something smart!"

"Don't make us beg, cupcake!"

"As much as I'd love to play 'Entertainer' with you girls, there's a class to be taught. So…; please return to your assigned seats before I open my secret bag of ticks, snakes, and slimy nightcrawlers."

The statement has the desired effect, sending most of the admirers scurrying, with a few stragglers leading up the rear. The child teacher smiles contentedly and produces a softcover English textbook from within the teacher's desk and opens it to a bookmarked spot.

"Thank you. All right ladies, please turn to page…" Negi glances at his book's page. "…128."

The red-head turns to the board, which he observes to be too high for his tastes. Thinking [not so] hard, Negi tries to find a solution to this dilemma. "Aha!" He strides over to the bucket he "procured", upends it, and then places it at the board. The young mage then proceeds back to writing the page number, chapter, and lesson number.

All of a sudden, something hits the back of his head. He dismissed it as an errant piece of paper or some such thing. Negi finishes up writing the lesson number and proceeds to write the English example from the book. Another piece of something hits the back of his head. This time, he knows that someone is launching stuff at him.

He immediately responds in English: "You suck." A few of the more English-fluent girls snigger.

Negi gets halfway through the second part of the example when a third something bounces off his skull. Yet again, he responds.

"Your father was a hamster." The same girls from before chuckle to themselves.

Just before he finishes, another projectile hurtles toward the child teacher's skull. This time, Negi catches it with his free hand.

Without turning around, Negi states in clear Japanese: "Kagurazaka Asuna, I will fashion the ugliest piece of rag I can and instruct you to wear it during lunch time if you can't control yourself. I will do that without question or protest due to the fact that I have not neglected or wronged you in any way."

Asuna (the one chucking the stuff, geniuses) opens her mouth to retort. "Nothing?! You-"

"-stated something sad on your part that I believed would happen soon. And it did."

"And you insulted me in front of Konoka!"

"I asked a question, is all. It was an abrasive one, but a question nonetheless. I apologize for hurting your feelings. Now, if you could put down the rocks and the ruler and do some work, I'll give you a passing grade for the day. How's that?"

"How 'bout you shove that apology-"

"Ugly rags…"

Asuna grumbles and picks up her pencil. "Teme…"

"I have ears, Asuna."

"Meh."

"Alright, class. Write down the Japanese translation for this passage here starting now and do the rest for homework if you aren't able finish it all. We'll go over the verbal translation tomorrow. If you have trouble with a part, feel free to ask questions

And this is how it progresses for the rest of the period, with Negi gently chastising rowdy students and assisting others, up until the bell rings. Expended, the students rush to get out as quickly as possible.

Negi enters the hall, moderately happy.

"Hey, Negi! How went your first class?" Takahata walks up to Negi, smiling.

The child teacher answered with a casual tone "Ah, fine. Just a bit of rowdiness and disbelief, taken with a dose of salt. I did rather well for the start of my career. How was your day?"

"About the same, really…" Takahata dropped his smile for a second, taking on a more concerned expression. "By the way, why are you wearing a wig? It's not like there's something to hide under there…"

Negi shifts nervously. "Well…."

All of a sudden, Asuna rushes over, strangely cheerful. "He- hello Takahata-sensei! Negi-sensei, thanks again for teaching us! I just love this guy, Takahata-sensei!"

Takahata pats Asuna on the shoulder "It's nice to know you're there providing support for him, Asuna. I appreciate it."

"Just happy to be noticed…" Asuna beams.

Takahata then leaves for some unknown errand.

Asuna practically glows, standing there, staring off into the distance as she feels the place where Takamichi had just touched her. "Takahata-sensei…"

Negi grins sardonically "Sooooo… got a yen for Takamichi?"

Asuna reverts to her true nature on the spot, glaring at Negi contemptuously. "Oh, zip it. It's so unfair. You're his pal, and I'm… Oh, forget it. But if you say one word to him about it…" She puts up a threatening fist. "…next time it'll be bricks, not rocks." And with that threat, she marches off with Konoka to meet up with the rest of the class.

Negi sighs to himself. "Whatta life. I tell yah."

3 hours later, at lunch…

Negi sits at a deserted table, grimly munching on his tuna sandwich.

"Uh, boy. What a drag. What am I going to do, what with Godzilla for a roommate?"

A high school girl walks over to him, swinging her hips. "Hey. You Negi?"

The child teacher raises an eyebrow. "No, miss, I'm Errol Flynn*. Negi's at that table on the other side of the room."

"Thanks." The girl walks off in the direction Negi indicated.

The boy sits there dumbfounded. Then he recovers. "Man. There are suckers and then there are suckers."

The girl comes back, not surprisingly. "Negi isn't over there."

Laughing only on the inside, Negi decides to keep up the charade. "Oh, then I must have thought of my cousin, Sean Connery**. Negi's on his way to the staff bathroom."

"Okay, thanks, bozu. By the way, what's your name?"

"Anthony Hopkins***. Pleased to make your acquaintance. And may I ask what your name is?"

"Himura Natsumi. See ya later…" The girl walks off, her hips sensuously sidling.

As soon as Natsumi is out of earshot, Negi breaks down, hysterically laughing his ass off.

"Ho-ho-ho-ha-ha! This- this- this is too RICH! Bwahahahahahahahah! This is hilarious! Nyehehahahahahaaa! Hoo-ee that's funny!" Negi wipes a tear from his eye. "Ah, that's good. Eh?"

Yukihiro Ayaka, 2-A's class representative walks over to Negi's table. "Hello sensei. I appreciate how you handled your first class. I know you came from Oxford, but the display of unbending will in an uncomfortable situation was astounding for one so young! Thank you Negi-sensei."

"I'm glad to hear it from you, class rep. Now if that's all you have to say, you may go back to your table now. Thank you for the complements."

Ayaka beams "You're welcome, sensei. If you ever need anything in the future, please do come to me for help." "Sure will." And with that, the blonde walks off.

The child teacher, feeling better, finishes off the rest of his sandwich and starts in on his black currant pudding.

Then Natsumi comes back from the trip to the bathroom, looking somewhat steamed. When Negi looks up, she puts on a smile as she once again walks up to him. "Not there either… Say, you wouldn't happen to be Negi, would you?"

Trying very hard to keep a straight face, the child teacher replies "Yes, I would be Negi." Hearing that, the curvaceous girl plops down right next to Negi.

"Then I've got a proposition for you. There's a little party we're throwing tonight, and we wanted some staff supervision. You know, to keep the roughhousing to a minimum. And, seeing as you're new to this gig, we were thinking you'd like the chance to get your feet wet. How's that sound?"

Negi smiles. "Terrific. I'll be there. When and where is it?"

"Eight o'clock in Saint Ursula district, dorm complex 3, 2nd floor, room 947. Don't miss it, it'll be a blast!"

"Sure won't. See you later, Himura-san."

"Himura-CHAN, Negi-kun." Natsumi bats her eyes flirtingly.

Unfazed, the child teacher responds kindly "Well then, Himura-chan. See you then."

"Bye!"

And with that, the girl stalks off once again, swinging her shapely hips.

Negi grimaces and mutters to himself "Bye… you scary wench…" Negi cradles his head in his hands. "Nonetheless, I've got to be there, trap or no. I need to know what the heck is going on here."

The child teacher resumes his lunch a while later, his mannerisms as morose as they were was in the beginning of the period…

An hour and a ½ later, in the plaza…

Negi walks along the street to the center of the plaza, melancholy once again. He sighs to himself. "Man, I though the day would never end."

A ball goes flying in his direction, falling just short of him. Some girls from the direction of the errant ball call out. "Hey kid! Get our ball, will you?"

One of the other girls in the group pipes up "That 'kid' is the new teacher!"

"Sh'right." Retorts another

Negi smiles to himself lightly as he tosses it back to the players " 'Sh'right' indeed."

The young mage then makes it the rest of the way to the central plaza. He seats himself upon one of the old marble steps surrounding the prominent statue at the very center of the square.

Exasperated, Negi comments to himself on how the day went. "The only upside is that tomorrow can't be any worse." A small subconscious twinge in the fore of his mind tells him different. "…leastways, I hope so…"

Negi then pulls out the already slightly beaten-up staff planner "And that Asuna! What a nightmare! Wonder what her deal is… Check the planner…" Negi opens the book with a creak from the binder. "Kagurazaka Asuna: "Art Club". Not much here. How am I supposed to bunk at her place?"

With a grim thought, he adds "She'd likely smother me in my sleep. She's made life hell for me so far."

Looking back at number eight in the register, Negi resists his childish impulses to doodle on the halfway decent picture of the malevolent girl. Instead, he just wrote "Bitch" in Celtic next to her photo. The young mage smiles mischievously. "There. Returned the favor."

Closing and stowing the planner, Negi sits and relaxes in the noonday sun. Not for long, however.

A form, carrying a high stack of books soon catches Negi's sight as it starts down the large plaza stairs. A few good looks at the person's face identify the figure as a girl from the child teacher's own class. He pulls out the planner again and looks for an identifying photo. He finds one.

He glances up at the student. "Number 27, Miyazaki Nodoka… a sister of Mieko, it seems." Nodoka jerks slightly from the deft movement of the books. "Oh, dear. She looks loaded down. She could-" Nodoka missteps, strips, and falls over sideways. Over the ledge. Thirty feet up. She would die from a fall that high. "I knew it!"

In a split second, a wave of emotions washes over the youth.

She will die.

Death is serious.

Death is permanent.

This is real.

What can Negi do about this? It's happening too fast!

NO.

Negi CAN do something.

He can save her.

Hopefully.

Tossing aside his staff, Negi sprints for the falling form.

Too slow!

Faster!

And so Negi attempts to run faster, and something twinges and snaps within him.

He's going faster.

But the girl is still so high up! Standing here and trying to catch her is a risky business.

Let's take chance out of the equation by getting her from all the way up there.

But how?

One step at a time. With enough will and speed, there are no obstacles.

Negi doesn't stop running when he meets the wall. He just puts one foot after the other on it and doesn't slow down.

Nodoka's prone form rushes up to meet the young demon. Now to catch her.

As lightly and carefully as one would catch an egg, Negi cradles the girl's fragile form, smiling warmly. She's safe -- or at least she will be. The two of them are still high up.

A small matter easily remedied.

The mage instinctively skids his feet along the stone walls, slowing the descent effectively. In no time at all, they reach the ground safely, Negi lowering his delicate load to the ground.

He notices his change of appearance back into the dark boy. Strange. It wasn't painful like before…

"There now," he says "You're safe… for the most part."

"What the FUCK?!"

Negi glances up to see the rather shaken form of a particular bitchy red-head. Wonderful.

"I say again: WHAT THE FUCK?!"

Negi answers in the natural resonant bass of his transformed state. "Trust me, you want to walk away. Walk away now and there won't be a problem."

"I'm thinkin' no." Asuna rebuts.

"Fine by me miss. But we are going to have to have a talk."

Nodoka's eyes flutter open. Negi picks himself up

"Wha…? Huh…?" Nodoka breathes.

As her eyes refocus, Nodoka blearily glimpses the retreating form of her mysterious savior…

White hair…

To be somehow continued by this extremely tasked writer!

If you find this raunchy Fan Fic appreciable, review immediately. If not… say your piece and don't be a bitch like Asuna.

To answer the typical dopey questions:

Yes, Tomoko is my own character.

Yes, this'll be going along the general storyline of "Negima!".

No, this isn't going to be a disaster like some other Fan Fics of mine…

Yes, I am a freaky author.

No, I'm not high when I write.

Yes, I'm a strange person.

No, I'm not crazy.

No, I'm not presumptuous of the people around me.

No, I'm not a jaded asshole.

No, I'm not an otaku.

Yes, I have lots of free-time.

Yes, I'm a dedicated writer.

No, I don't steal ideas.

Yes, I improvise.

No, I'm not a nerd, either.

Yes, I try to cover my bases.

Yes, my story-telling skills are funky.

Yes, I love sexy and strange situations in my works.

Yes, I get some ideas from porn and hentai.

No, I'm not a porn nut.

No, I'm not a lifeless doof.

Yes, I despise [bad] critics.

No, I don't hate criticism.

Yes, I like reviews.

No, I don't like ass-kissing.

Yes, this list is ridiculous[-ly long].

No, I'm not done yet.

Yes, I like myself.

Yes, I like people.

No, I hate Obama.

Yes, I think Obama's a socialistic "Big Brother" nutbag.

No, you can't have my e-mail account or my address.

Yes, I like McCain.

Yes, I like Palin.

Yes, I think Biden's a windbag.

Yes, I am a Republican.

No, I'm not evil (most of the time).

No, YOU go fuck yourself.

No, I don't mean you other guys.

Yes, I'm a bit strange.

Yes, this is the end of the list… for NOW…

And remember: Vote McCain… and Republicans for Congress!

And that's the end of my diatribe! Review!


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